New Page 2

By Tom Drummond

"What did you do at school today?"

"Oh nuthin."

"How did it go with that kid who was bothering you?"

"It was OK."

"Anything important happen today?"

"No. What can I get for a snack?"

It's frustrating when kids cut off attempts at conversation. "Hey!" I want to scream, "I am your parent! I want to know! I want to help!" After 20 years of talking with children and teaching others to do it, I've discovered that most of us talk to children the way our parents talked to us. Changing that habit and rebuilding conversation patterns takes years of practice, but it's worth the effort. I know. I've done it.

I've found two keys to real communication with growing children and teens:

(1) visualizing an ideal conversational exchange and

(2) practicing specific technical skills.

The mutually rewarding conversation

Think about heart-to-heart conversations with your closest adult friends, which leave you both feeling satisfied and alive. See if these characteristics apply when you and these friends talk.

* Your favorite conversations take place in comfortable, familiar surroundings, free from distractions. The TV is off.

* You talk about common interests, memorable events, similar life experiences, successes, failures.

* What each says is important to the other. You take each other seriously and feel excitement hearing each other's thoughts.

* You are truly yourself. You can talk about anything without being judged. You are relaxed. You're not self conscious and you're not trying to impress.

* Each person's body signals interest; both lean forward, with wide eyes and expressive faces. Postures are relaxed and open. Sometimes you touch hands or arms.

* You challenge each other with true, constructive statements, both positive and negative. Each person supports and encourages, giving honest opinions without judging the other.

You can have conversations like these with your children as well. Some things are the same: you know each other well; you are familiar with their deep feelings and interests; you have common experiences; and you know what it means when they say things "that way."

On the other hand, you are hindered by the unequal power of a parent-child relationship. Friends are equals, but parents and children are not. It's not unlike the workplace: it's tough to share serious stuff with the boss, the one who is in control.

Stifle controlling impulses if you want to break out of dead-end patterns and have quality heart-to-heart talks. Face facts: your child is not three years old anymore, and you don't share as much of the day; you can't see the life your child faces at school and you can't help with minute-to-minute choices. You only know what is voluntarily shared.

Conversational Techniques

When I talk to children, I hold a mental image of a dandelion seed floating in a gentle breeze. I try to be just as weightless as that seed. I yield the right of way and try to float upon the breeze of the child's thoughts. I let go of my adult agenda and try to be a child again, willing to fly wherever the two of us go.

Here are my rules for a weightless conversation:

1. Open by sharing something of yourself. Never start with a question, like "How was school today?" When you want to talk about something with your child, talk about that same something in your life. If you want to know about your child's day at school, start by telling about your day. If you want your child to talk about the day's successes, share your own successes. If you want to hear about a tough, emotionally gripping life event, share one of your own.

Want proof? Ask a question about school, and see what answer you get. Then describe a risky or difficult part of your day. Compare the results.

When you open with significant sharing, you receive significant sharing in return. You are a model to copy. No force. No pressure. When you start with a question, you control; when you talk about yourself, you lead.

2. Respond warmly with your body when your child begins to talk. Light up your face. Touch a hand. Stop what you are doing and let your body say, "I am here for you now."

3. Respond by paraphrasing. When a child says something new, something more than the commonplace, rephrase the underlying message in your own words. Do not parrot the child's words, which is both irritating and condescending. Here's an example: Child: "Jason slammed me against the wall today in P.E. He's a geek! Then the teacher yelled at us for being noisy and I wasn't even talking."

Paraphrase: "So you were the victim twice, huh?"

4. Respond with a personal comment that's exactly parallel. Without changing the subject or bending it in the slightest, talk about your current feelings or a past experience that matches the child's. Usually these statements start with "I." For example: "I hate being yelled at. I still remember times when teachers yelled at the whole class when only a few kids were goofing around." It takes practice to stay with the child and avoid changing to advice, like "You should stay away from Jason." The trick, I think, is to mentally return to the child's age, and imagine experiencing a similar event from that viewpoint.

5. Wrap It up with a simple phrase that keeps the close feeling memorable. For instance, you might say, "it was fun to chat," "I enjoyed this," "I learned something," "I feel closer to you," or "I love you, and I love talking to you." Communication not only needs two people who think it is fun, but also brave people. The depth attained equals the risk taken. Both will venture farther next time if they recognize the association and its' reward.

Conversation Partners

Growing away from dead-end conversations means mastering your personal power. By taking care to open and close conversations properly, sending warm nonverbal messages, paraphrasing and responding in parallel, you quit controlling the other person's contributions and consciously control your own. That's where your most powerful influence lies.

Yes, it is more easily described than done. It takes care and practice but opportunities arise each day. Learn how to be free and nonjudgmental, and your child may become your intimate conversation partner for life.

To join The Parenting Insights Library visit our website at www.parentinginsights.net